December 15, I had a double mastectomy, and reconstruction surgery everyone thought went well.
It was my younger sister's birthday, the one I am close to, who moved away for good I fear. I did not hear from her Thanksgiving, Birthday, or Christmas. So different, life has gone dark. Then Maggie one of my miniature dachschunds, on December 23, lying behind me on the bed went renal failure and shock and after rushing her to the emergency clinic, we had to let them put her down. My sweet itty-bitty. I miss you so. 14 yrs, U qould have rawled up on that table and said here take me instead, but my mind knows what the heart cannot comprehend, Death must come, and it often comes so quick, changing life forever. In grief, I spent Christmas alone.
Then I developed cellulitis on the right side and felt I would literally die, and you can I later found out. I have completely shutdown. I have not been out in 5 days. There is so much swelling, and I must come to terms with my body and how surreaal all this feels.
I no longer see my therapist because she had said she had thought of sending the police to do a safety check. Not exactly what someone with PTSD wants to hear could come from left field. I never want to be in a Psychiatric Hospital again. It is like being in the belly of the beast. My worst phobia realized, entrapped, life is dark.
I see my psychiatrist for meds I comply with except when I run out and I am too down to move. I have spiralled to the bottom. I hope you are happy Daddy. You will be dead now on March 11 a whole year. I am failing and don't really exist in the world or to the world just as you intended when you disinherited-erased-reduced me.
The credit card people won in court because I had no legal help past the motion to dismiss I wrote myself. The Sheriff came for Court cost. I told him I am disabled and had just had this operation, that all I receuve is social security and he does not even cover the medical bills that are bankrupting me. I do not even have a checking account because I no longer could manage. One person and my pets keep me alive. Without her or them I would certainly walk off the earth. Nothing feels safe, normal, consistent, stable, not the world, life, or me. I am so sad so alone and nothing feels good. I used to dream,hope, have goals, but even the closest of loves, my dog's and cat's, are painful as they grow old and leave me tragically. I fear I will never recover financially, mentally, emotionally, or physically. Sometimes I think you can just experience too much pain and loss here, that there is more that has gone to the other side and is waiting that is good. Just my dog's, cat's, and grandparent's, and maybe my God though I am no longer sure what that is I once looked forward to going home there, beyond, where all that made good in me waits. I no longer need anything. That is what scares me. Not even knowing I must need to be.
